Paraíso acuático

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Magdalena Piñeiro

Si me dieran un céntimo por cada vez que conseguí alguna nueva dieta, nutricionista, trucos hipocalóricos, ejercicios quemagrasa y toda diversidad de caminos posibles para bajar de peso, sería más rica que los mandamases de Wall Street. De mis actuales 27 años, los últimos 19 he dedicado cada noche a imaginarme cómo sería mi cuerpo delgado, cómo sería mi vida si yo fuera delgada y cómo conseguir ser delgada. E inevitablemente, he dedicado la misma cantidad de tiempo a torturarme por mi fracaso.

    Ya de pequeña soñaba cada verano con adelgazar muchos kilos, para que así, al siguiente inicio de clase, mis compañerxs vieran lo delgada y hermosa que estaba, y todxs empezaran a admirarme y brindarme ese respeto que nunca me tuvieron. Sí, lo soñaba desde pequeña, porque tenía solamente 8 años cuando comencé a tomar conciencia de que era la gorda de la clase, la gorda del grupo, la gorda del barrio, y de que algo andaba (muy) mal con mi cuerpo. Y empecé, poco a poco, a odiarlo; a odiar mi cuerpo.

    Respecto a esto último debo hacer una aclaración: hay cierta ilusión de lejanía entre cuerpo y mente cuando odias tu cuerpo. Pero en realidad, comenzar a odiar tu cuerpo es comenzar a odiarte entera, desde dentro hacia afuera, y viceversa.

    Miro las fotos de aquella época y lo recuerdo todo perfectamente. Me recuerdo perfectamente.

    Desde la adultez, hoy reconozco el punto de inflexión (el antes-y-después) en las vacaciones de verano que pasé con mi familia en un parque acuático al norte de mi país. Era la primera vez que veía una piscina: cualquier niña hubiera salido corriendo como una loca al tobogán o a meterse de cabeza al agua. Así lo hizo mi hermana. Pero yo no. Yo me senté en un banco que encontré entre unos árboles y le dije a mi madre que no me apetecía, que no quería bañarme en la piscina. Era mentira. Lo que no quería era desnudarme. Sentía vergüenza de mi cuerpo. Era la primera vez que veía una piscina y también la primera vez que sentía vergüenza de mi desnudez. Y repito: tenía solamente 8 años. Hoy miro las fotos y no creo que estuviera gorda. Pero esa yo no importa. Importa el lastre de los hechos.

    Mi madre me miraba atónita. No entendía nada. Creo que a día de hoy sigue sin entenderlo. Siempre fue esbelta, delgada y muy bella, y sólo engordó de mayor, cuando ya no le importaba un carajo nada. Ser la niña gorda es otra cosa. Otra historia. Las palabras, los insultos y las humillaciones se te enredan en la cabeza desde la infancia y ya no puedes destejerlas nunca más. Soy capaz de recordar con la misma claridad lo feliz que era en los columpios del patio de mi casa, tanto así como la primera vez que mi mejor amigo me dijo «te pediría que fueras mi novia si no fueras gorda» (tenía 12 años).

    Y allí estaba yo sentada entre los árboles. Seria. Resistiéndome a la desnudez y a la piscina. Mi madre no entendía nada, así que me gritó, me obligó a desvestirme y a meterme en la piscina con mi hermana. Tengo varias fotos de ese día. La cara triste sentada en el banco. La cara triste (escondida en un rincón cerca de la escalera) cuando mi madre me obligó a meterme a la piscina. Y la cara de felicidad después de la primer media hora en el agua, cuando ya me había olvidado de mi cuerpo y de la vergüenza que me producía, y sólo era una niña de 8 años disfrutando de la piscina, jugando y chapoteando con mi hermana.

    Cuando cayó la tarde mi madre nos llamó: teníamos que irnos. Nos dijo que saliéramos para secarnos y vestirnos. Y me puse a llorar.

Hoy sigo siendo la última en desnudarse y meterse al agua. Y también la última en salir.

Magdalena Piñeyro.
Licenciada en Filosofía, militante feminista y bloggera.
Administradora de la página Stop Gordofobia.
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