La disidencia sexual/ ensayo/ posicionamiento político.

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por Leafrox

1. Nunca antes había creado o escrito un posicionamiento político o quizá todavía no termino de comprender sobre cómo se tiene que hacer uno, o quizá cada vez que escribo para desahogar la rabia y canalizar la existencia cada vez que me escribo con las letras que sangran, esto es un posicionamiento político. Cada vez que abro mi boca saco de adentro lo que soy, lo que me conforma dolorosa pero rebeldemente, existo desde aquí y cuando no hablo, cuando no emito sonidos mi cuerpo se comunica por mi voz, mi lengua se comunica por mi voz, mis cabellos se comunican por mi voz, la rabia se comunica por mi voz.

Escucho y siento la música al igual que la rabia que se mueve entre mis venas, porque me conecto para sanar dentro y fuera de mí, cierro los ojos como cuando era una niña y aprendí a sentir el coraje antes que mostrar mi dolor, arrodillada ante aquella mesa del ¨santo¨ que estaba en el mismo cuarto donde dormía, en ese mismo cuarto donde todas las noches rezábamos de rodillas pidiéndole a dios para que nos ayudara y nos protegiera, aunque yo sabía que aquello era mentira porque a mi dios nunca me ayudo, en ese mismo cuarto donde me arrodillaba cuando mi madre adoptiva azotaba mi espalda con un azote de cuero por tenía que sacarme la sangre mala, ese mismo cuarto que tenía un pedazo de lámina de luz en el agujero que dejaron en el techo cuando se metieron a robar un domingo que andábamos en la misa por la visita del padre que llegaba una vez al año a la única iglesia del pueblo que nos quedaba a cuarenta minutos caminando, en ese cuarto donde compartía el colchón con mi hermano menor que me orinaba las costillas todas las madrugadas por algún trauma que mi hermano y yo nunca pudimos resolver pero que en mi casa buscaban corregir a través de la violencia que ejercían sobre su cuerpo y el mío, aunque en el suyo pesaba menos porque él era el nieto, un hombrecito, y yo la hija adoptada y la hermana mayor de mi hermano, que también lo pario mi mamá biológica que trabajo como empleada doméstica en esa casa donde me dejaron para servir, vivir y resistir todo tipo de abusos que con el tiempo se cargaban en mi cuerpo adolorido, mutilado, despreciado, adoptado, pobre, negro y feminizado.

Este posicionamiento político es el dolor colectivo, la rabia, la ternura, todo junto que rompe e irrumpe con todos estos silencios blancos, normales, hegemónicos y binarios a los que renuncio total y definitivamente porque ya no voy a guardar nunca jamás estos silencios que me destruyeron durante tanto tiempo, censurando, silenciando y hasta blanqueando mi negro ser, habitable, posible, en otras vivencias, realidades e historias de mi piel, mis pies, mis manos y mi cuerpo que han sembrado los hijos de las matas de huerta, estas manos y esta espalda que han cargado los sacos del café en uva del cafetal para luego despulparlo en una máquina, este cuerpo que ha corrido detrás de las vacas para encerrar los terneros y sacar algo de leche al día siguiente por la mañana, estas manos y estos pies que trepaban los arboles de naranja para llevarme un saco a la casa donde habitaba mi ser, porque si se siembra se cosecha y si cosecha entonces tiene para comer, estas manos que saben matar la gallina, alinearla y envolver los tamales, las montucas y los tamalitos, estas manos y callos de mis dedos de darle vuelta y vuelta al molino para moler el maíz para la masa que luego hay que pasar por la piedra de moler para hacer las tortillas.

2. Estoy volviendo y aprendiendo a caminar, a hablar, a sentir, a decir lo que siento, lo que veo, lo que vivo, lo que soy como persona, esta piel que habito, hablo con mi negricia que quiere ser borrada, otra vez blanqueada, pero que este cuerpo negro lo repele como una forma de rebeldía, de autocuidado, de rabia, de ternura para mí, mi madre, mis hermanas, mis abuelxs también negros, también pobres, también desterrados, también rebeldes y ancestrales como todo lo verde que todavía me rodea y rodea a mis hermanes/as/os marikas, trans, lesbianas, travas, no binaries, no blanques pero sobre todo disidentes de esta esta normalidad que apesta a colonialidad.

Estoy siendo como nunca antes lo había hecho, muevo mi cuerpo y mi cabello de lado a lado y a todas partes como las olas del mar atlántico que guardan la sangre, el alma y el espíritu de mis ancestrxs negrxs que fueron secuestrados para ser esclavizados y que en esa travesía terminaron en el corazón del mar, fuerza y rabia inmensa como los ríos que resguardan mis ancestrxs indígenas, rabia inmensa como la madre áfrica, como la madre pachachama, como la planta de la mota que me ayuda a sentirme más conmigo, con este entorno y con esta antecesion a esta historia blanqueada que ya no soporto y que es esa misma construcción blanca/racista que ahora dice que la mariguana solo es para pobres y negrxs, me rio y pienso mientras veo sus ojos enmotados que son aceptados y que no se ocultan pero que tienen aceptación todo lo contrario a cómo ven mis ojos rojos enmotados que no le hacen daño a nadie pero que están en este cuerpo, en esta piel, con esta cara, con este pelo, con este pueblo y con este barrio que traigo encima, con estas palabras no reales académicas de la lengua española.

Todavía se me hace un nudo en la garganta cuando escribo estas verdades que no tengo que ocultar porque quiero contar otras realidades que son posibles pero que me han dolido tanto.

3. Este posicionamiento político es este dolor convertido en rabia colectiva, es el eterno llanto para sanar los cuerpos adoloridos, maltratados, la sed de este fuego que quema el alma, estas ganas de gritar muy alto y que termine esta maldita humanidad.

Para poder encontrarme y poder escribir esto que posiciono políticamente tengo que volverme el tiempo, hacerme une sole con el dolor, la rabia, la alegría, la ternura y volver al pasado, poder mirarme con estos ojos cicatrizados y con esta existencia negra, cimarrona que me mira fuerte, rebelde, sin mentiras blancas y me acompaña para hacer ese recorrido para abrirme con estas otredades que somos la disidencia sexual contrahegemónica, somos estas corporalidades monstruas enrabiadas con un puñal en la lengua, en la rabia que compartimos para acompañarnos desde la ternura disidente marika, loquísima, negra, cimarrona, indígena, prieta, gorda, lesbiana, trans, barrial, disca, neurodivergente, antirracista, anticapitalista, anticolonial, antiestatal, antinormal.

Esta apuesta política colectiva y esta ruptura con lo normal, es la rabia contenida en las historias vividas que necesitamos contarnos, escucharnos, sentirnos, abrazarnos, decolonizarnos y sanarnos para construir una otredad diferente, alterna, disidente, contrariada a la normatividad universal, hegemónica eurocéntrica sobre lo que es el, la, lo ser. Una existencia alterna a esta narcodictadura que atraviesa nuestro cuerpo/territorio que es ancestral. Una apuesta antirracista en una sociedad racista, en una sociedad antinegra que reproduce la aceptación como ese constructo blanco histórico, binario y hetercisnormativo que sigue arraigado en la cotidianidad, en el lenguaje, incluso en la desesperanza. Una apuesta colectiva que rompa con la hegemonía individual que ha sostenido como bandera de lucha y por nombre sálvese quien pueda, somos comunidad, somos barrio, somos pueblo, somos de la tierra, somos disidencia sexual y diversidad, somos ancestralidad, somos para la tierra, nuestra retribución es la colectividad y nuestra bandera de lucha es la contrahegemonia antiblanca, anticolonial antinormativa, antindividualista.

Nuestra apuesta política disidente sexual también es la ternura de abrazarnos y llorarnos nuestras dolencias, hacernos cargo sacudirnos lo colonial, seguir resistiendo y nunca dejar de sentir rabia, es construir otras formas de amarnos, de sentirnos, de darnos placer, de juntarnos unes con otres y ser esta fuerza que no se rompe y que en su lugar se reconstruye, nos reconstruye.

Soy Leafrox, lesbianx, no-binarie, y disidente sexual, soy una persona negra, afroindígena, cimarrona y adoptade. Soy Poeta/Escritore y actualmente estoy creando una serie de dibujos experimentales. Escribo desde mi barrio en medio de la pandemia de covid-19 y de una narcodictadura desde Honduras, Centroamérica. Tengo 23 años.

Escribo para mí, escribo para que mi gente negra, indígena, racializada, pobre, diversa, gorde y con discapacidades se identifique con mis palabras y que juntxs/es venzamos el miedo a través de la escritura o de cualquier forma de crear y/o hacer arte que vaya más allá de la academia y de la hegemonía occidental, porque nuestras realidades no son académicas, no son formales ni normales, no son blancas, no son heterosexuales ni de clase, no son cisnormativas. Escribo y TRANScribo esta rabia universal y ancestral como forma de retribuirles a mis ancestrxs su lucha por una tierra libre y en armonía con nuestras energías. Estoy creando y escribiendo para que otros mundos y otras formas de vida nos sean posibles.

Hablo desde esta marginalidad que habito junto con otrxs cuerpxs empobrecidxs por un sistema racista, capitalista, patriarcal, colonialista y neoliberal. Escribo desde aquí para no dejarme morir en esta agonía diaria de mantenernos con vida, escribo porque quiero dejar mis letras, palabras y creaciones como prueba infalible de mi existencia maricona, desvergonzada y a mucha honra rebelde, descarada y enrabiada.

No soy de este mundo, solo soy un viajere mas y si pronto me voy estaré feliz de haber escrito mucho de lo que soy, de lo que somos. Mi corazón, mi cuerpo y mi existencia es migratoria desde antes de haber nacido en este plano que me duele, que nos duele tanto.