Hysteria Revista de sexualidad y cultura
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ilustración por Alex Xavier Aceves Bernal
por Dalila Castillo
Siempre fue más fuerte la necesidad de crear una historia a partir de su experiencia. Encontraba en la ficción un aliciente para subsistir. Deseaba confrontar al mundo y embestirlo con las propias armas que éste le daba.
Su mente ágil advierte los sentimientos que impregnan cada mirada. Desde la condenación, la burla, pasando por el enternecimiento y el morbo. En el corto trayecto de su hogar a la escuela, percibe al menos un par de ojeadas hipotéticas hacia su estructura corporal.
Todo en sus formas es digno de especulación. Desde sus piernas cilíndricas hasta su rostro de luna llena –cráteres incluidos. A la redondez le son atribuidas muchas características, entre las que destacan la candidez, la amabilidad, la pasividad, incluso una ingenuidad que raya en la estupidez. Nada que ver con ella.
No es que sea la encarnación del mal y la perversidad en un cuerpo bonachón. Lo que pasa es que deglute cada mofa, cada palabra soez o misericordiosa y con ellas teje su propia historia. No es esta una historia de odio. Es una historia de transmutación: la ingesta de hostilidad que engendra un orgullo por ser “distinto” (¿Pero es que realmente se es distinto?). La construcción de una identidad a partir de la diferencia. El orgullo de ser calumniadx. Ha pensado noches enteras en las que se debate entre la furia hostil y la conmiseración. Pero ante tal disyuntiva, se asume como la protagonista de una gesta perpetua.
El asiento del pupitre es un castigo anticipado: sus dimensiones son un desafío a las normas de la distribución del espacio impuestas socialmente. La condena (¿o la ventaja?): la soledad necesaria. Las horas pasan, y ante ellas desfilan las hipótesis que ha ido coleccionando sobre sí y las hila como una oda al autoescarnio: “Es linda; un poco gruesa, pero linda/Es lenta, torpe/Está llena de vida/Seguro tiene problemas en la glándula tiroides/Desea ser normal/ ¡Qué tierna!/ Alberga ira y frustración/La belleza se lleva en el interior/ Es una Venus de las eras glaciares”.
Es en este punto cuando escucha: “Compañerita, sí, tú, la gordita, por favor pasa a presentarte”. Ella se levanta parsimoniosamente, lanza una ojeada alrededor. Se da cuenta de las risas y los murmullos que nutren su imaginación. Es entonces cuando profiere aquello que habrá de ser su consigna:
“SOY D…TENGO DIEZ AÑOS…Y SOY… GORDA, NO GORDITA. ME GUSTA COMERME A OTROS NIÑOS”.
El silencio reina. No faltan los ojos desorbitados, las bocas abiertas, quien reprime una carcajada, quien por un momento lo cree verdad. Porque no es el hecho de crear un mito alrededor de ella, como todo lo que existe alrededor de la gordura, sino que fue la mejor forma como concibió definirse así misma: una colección de retazos, la asimilación del imaginario ajeno que origina uno propio.
Porque el problema no es ser gordo, sino la traducción de la gordura en vergüenza. D afirma con orgullo engullir a sus semejantes, porque se alimenta del temor de ser como ella.
Fobiófaga. Gorda. Orgullosa.
Dalila Castillo Alonso, mexicana de 23 años. Latinoamericanista de profesión. Me interesa sobre todo la literatura erótica y la representación literaria de la construcción social de los géneros.
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